When I first separated with my husband, I was angry at him…but mostly at GOD. I took it out on God, yelled at him, told him I still believed he was real–but obviously powerless. I blamed God for “allowing” this mess to happen and couldn’t believe it was all happening to ME. Do you relate? I am sure you blamed God for something at one point.
I stopped going to church, and couldn’t even listen to worship. It was unbearable! How could I praise God when I had nothing to praise him for? Can I just be real and honest here? I was so broken I could hardly even sing. At the time, one of the only songs I could listen to was “Good, good father” by Tomlin. For some reason, I could still listen to it.
I had an extremely difficult time celebrating holidays…lucky me, my husband and I separated right around Thanksgiving and it is like a 3 in 1 punch if you are experiencing a break up around the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years hit you back to back to back. Honestly, I couldn’t get over how poor the timing of everything was. I just wanted to say, “Screw you, all you happy people for being happy!” I was so angry that all of my favorite holidays were tainted with bitterness. I skipped out on Thanksgiving celebrations, decided to be alone on Christmas, and spent New Years alone in my room.
Christmas was especially hard because it is my FAVORITE holiday, and I was angry that I was no longer able to join in on the “festive” spirit. Instead, I found myself constantly changing radio stations until I found a channel that had something non-Christian and non-Christmas. Can I tell you how hard it was to avoid Christmas music? Dear goodness. I yelled at the radio many times and said, “Shut UP!” I didn’t want to hear about joy. I didn’t want to hear about the Savior of the world when he didn’t even save me from all of the pain I was experiencing. I ended up in a parking lot, alone in a car on Christmas day, crying outside McDonalds while it was snowing lightly. I felt so alone–but I chose not to celebrate with family on purpose. There was nothing to celebrate.
I thought, this is the crap your read about in books! It can’t be my story! What about all the prophetic words, God? The ones that I got from different people at church? What about all the dreams I had from you, God? Don’t you know I have been waiting all my life for my “happy ending?” Don’t you think I deserve to have a normal life after having such a difficult childhood (a story meant for another blog)? I just want to be normal!
God, this doesn’t make sense! WHYYYYYYYY! I can’t tell you how many times I told God that I didn’t like what was happening and that I was angry at him. But, I found a book by James Dobson (see my Books link on my website). It is called When God Doesn’t Make Sense.
Dobson writes that God NEVER promises to make sense. He promises to work things out for good, but that is not the same as making sense. Situations can become good, but the past can still look jumbled and confusing. It is for this reason that many people who are wounded stop believing in God. Because we as humans in our finite minds have the need for logic. We need to know why things are happening. In our desperation, when we don’t get those answers, we point our fingers and tell God–BUT YOU SAID ______________(insert word here). And, I am sure God’s reply is something like, “No, I didn’t say I would give you the answers to everything. But, I will pick up the pieces and make them fit again somehow.”
You know what I realized? God is all powerful, he is all knowing, but he chooses to limit his own power by giving us all free will. So did God know about my husband’s secrets and his sexual addiction? YES. Did God desire for him to change and be a good husband to me? YES. Did God want us to be a happily married couple? YES. Was my husband someone that was meant for me in the first place? It is a question I will always wrestle with. I received a lot of signs and confirmation from God and other people that my husband was going to be my husband before we got married. Does that make sense? No. But I am trusting God to pick up the pieces and make them fit together somehow.
God in his love has given us as humans the power to decide to do good or evil. Hence, it was my husband’s free will that tore apart the marriage–not God’s. In fact, I began to realize that God miraculously gave me the prompting I needed that led to my discovery of all the evidence of my husband’s infidelity. And boy, was there a HUGE paper trail–I just never thought to look. Without that random thought from God, I would never have found out.
I don’t know everything. But I do know, that because I was able to get out of a suffocating marriage that would have left me spiritually dead, unsure of myself, and feeling worthless–I am now able to pick my dreams back up and dream bigger. It is because God is there that I am able to get up on my feet and say He is good. Man is fallible. Man is corrupted. But God’s nature never changes…and there are just some things that will never make sense.
I wanted to share one story that Dobson writes about that might give you a better picture. There was once an inmate who was in solitary confinement in prison. All he had was one marble that he would throw so it could bounce off the wall. He would listen to the sound of it hitting the walls of the cell and repeatedly did this to pass time. One day, he threw the marble, but it did not return. There was only silence. The inmate became so distressed because he couldn’t understand where it went and pulled out all his hair. The guards found him dead and as they were cleaning out his cell, one of the guards realized there was a marble stuck in a cobweb way up in the dark ceiling. If that inmate would have known where the marble was, he may never have died. But, he was so distressed by the lack of “sense” that he couldn’t bear with the pain.
We are like the inmate. There is always a logical answer for everything, we just won’t have it in this life. And, until then, we have to trust God to give us the strength to realize that reality. Perhaps, part of the reason we don’t have all the answers is the whole point of faith.