It seemed impossible to get closure after losing my ex-husband to adultery, but I learned that closure can come in many ways…

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I woke up in a daze from a disturbing dream that I had this morning. I dreamt that I was on the phone with my ex-husband asking all the questions that I still don’t have answers to…

In my dream, I went through the list of women that I had discovered he was secretly seeing during our marriage. I began to name all of the women one by one. I went on to ask him why he called them so many times each day. I wanted to know why he chose to commit adultery even though I supported him financially through medical school. I wanted to know why he chose to begin committing adultery the minute he received a job offer. I felt my anger in my dream as I continued to question him. But, during this dream, he failed to answer me.

In my desperation, I began to panic. I thought to myself, “I need those answers!”

Thankfully–the dream ended, and I woke up.

When I woke up, I knew that my dream was a LIE. I have learned that true closure does not come in answers; closure is found in trusting God enough to let him heal your heart so that you can begin your next chapter. I used to feel like without obtaining all the answers, I would never be able to fully heal and move on.  I have to admit–sometimes, I wish I had answers. If you are like me and found out that your spouse was hiding secrets, I am sure you can relate.

Recently, I had a conversation with my adopted sister. I was struggling with feeling like I needed closure through my ex-husband paying me back for everything I lost. I told her that though it sounded terrible, I would rather take $50,000 from my ex-husband over a million dollars from someone else. My reasoning behind it was that, I wanted my ex-husband to be personally responsible.  I didn’t want someone else to pay the price for his actions. I knew it didn’t make sense, but I said that I would feel more satisfied seeing him feel the pinch of paying me back. But, wouldn’t the scenario of someone handing me a million dollars be much better? Of course.

I spent a long time playing detective, trying to piece together my ex-husband’s secret life, his motives, and actions. I spent a long time wishing that he would one day give me a full confession or apologize for his actions. What I didn’t realize was that by doing this, I was giving my ex-husband too much power over me. It was as if I was placing the power in his hands and saying, “Whenever you apologize, then I can finally live my life. Until then, my life is on hold.” I had given power to the Enemy through unforgiveness, pride, bitterness and anger and told God that I only wanted closure through my doing.

By demanding closure through our fleshly way, we forget what God did on the cross for us. Before Jesus died on the cross for us, the penalty for sin was death! God could have said, “No, I want closure for their actions against me, and I don’t want anyone else to pay for their sins.” But, instead he sent Jesus to die for us. Can you imagine if God did otherwise?

The truth is, you could get all the answers you’ve ever wanted, you could finally get that apology you’ve hoped for–but you still may never fully be satisfied. True closure is knowing that God has restored you beyond who you used to be–and is making you someone even better than before. True closure is realizing that God doesn’t just repair–he makes NEW things.

Can I tell you that God is so much more creative and has the BEST version of closure for you and me? No matter what kind of trauma you have faced, God has the best idea for your next chapter and He wants you to move on with your life! My closure has been letting go and letting God restore me in his time. My closure has been learning how valuable I am, and learning more about who I am as a Daughter of God. My closure has been pursuing my lifelong dream of starting an orphanage. My closure has been finding my joy again. More and more, I have been able to let go of the idea of ever receiving a full confession or apology from my ex-husband. Frankly, I don’t need it.

So let God give you the closure you need. It’s time to close an old chapter and start a new one.

 

-Jen

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “It seemed impossible to get closure after losing my ex-husband to adultery, but I learned that closure can come in many ways…

  1. Aura says:

    Your blog really helped someone very very dear to me. And it spoke to me too. Maybe if you could write a blog on the process that God took you through to heal your heart, about the journey you made on your own with God it’d be a blessing to a multitude beyond your imagination. Was it just spending time in His presence, singing your heart out to Him, staying in the Word, being regular at church? Or were there more things ? If you could share the details, the specifics it would help SO many believer women who are struggling with the pain of separation. Thank you Jen. God bless you. And oh btw, I couldn’t find you on instagram.

    Like

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